His Eye is on the Sparrow

This is going to sound bad and it may not even be theologically sound, but please hear me out. I have decided that I am tired and that I am no longer going to seek G-d's will. It is all so very exhausting... where should I go, should I stay here, go there, do this, do that with this person, that person, without that person, at this time or later, where should my next step be?! Instead of seeking His will I have decided I just want to seek His face. Is that too much to ask? That instead of questioning every single step I take or don't take and whether or not I am perfectly within a set plan, can I just look to Him and rest in that? Is it possible to just set my gaze to His face and live life? That doesn't mean I don't want His will, but rather I am tired of searching and scouring the earth for what that will might be. Maybe its much simpler than what I have been making it. Maybe life is a lot less like a puzzle that must be assembled in specific steps and is a lot more like a painting with many layers and blurred edges. Perhaps life is a lot more organic and a lot less mathematical as I have been making it out to be.

I don't think I am meant to wake up feeling anxious and worried that I will accidentally and suddenly fall irrevocably outside of His will. If I live an intentional life in seeking His face and worshipping Him in obedience in the little things, I think the big things will work themselves out. Not too long ago during a time of corporate worship I was distracted and thinking about a conversation I had had a few days before. I worried that I had said too much, and that I had ruined some plan in my life, or maybe even their's or that I spoke too soon or that I revealed too much. My mind was reeling in self-doubt, self-loathing, fear of being outside of G-d's will, etc. In the midst of my guilt I heard a still small voice say, "Do you really think your few small words could really thwart my plans?" Immediately all the worry and doubts were silenced. I was instantly humbled. I realized that I had elevated my own words and problems over G-d.

I don't tell you this so I can debate G-d's will vs. free will or issues of predestination. But rather I just want to say that our G-d is big. Bigger than our problems, our desires, our dreams, our fears, our thoughts and yes, our plans. He is so big in fact that we only need to seek Him with all our heart, mind and soul and that's all that matters.

So in the words of Bradley Hathaway...

Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

-excerpt from Silence, a poem by Bradley Hathaway

Young Worrisome Sparrow (painted by me)
Acrylic on canvas, 2012